How to build meaningful conversations

How to be a good conversationalist

In every aspect of human life, communication is key. A relationship or business that lacks communication is bound to crumble due to starvation of shared information.

Communication is also a center for opportunities. Great business ideas and partnerships have developed from social events and social clubs when people were having casual conversations.

Need there be mention of how romantic relationships also develop from conversations...

Tips to building meaningful conversations

Eye contact

Eye contact is crucial in conversing. It is the one of the best ways to give someone attention. People can sense that attention both consciously and subconsciously. 

Not only does good eye contact show attention, it also shows confidence and honesty in whatever you are saying. Many people link eye contact shyness with dishonesty; So looking someone in the eyes whilst conversing will help build trust between the two conversing parties which in turn fosters deeper and more meaningful conversation topics.

Everyone loves attention, and the thought that one can get attention from you can be the reason some people will find themselves continuously drawn to you for conversations.

However, it is important to regulate the amount of eye constant. Starring would be rude and weird too, wouldn't it?
Ever met someone who literally stares you down during a conversation? It was a very uncomfortable conversation for me and to this day I try my best to avoid them; awkwardness averted.

Periodic glances away but maintaining the focus would be best. You wouldn't want to scare anyone away now, would you?

Confidence

First and foremost it need be mentioned that arrogance is not confidence. There is self confidence in arrogance but there is no arrogance in confidence.

Confidence is merely speaking with certainty without second guessing oneself. After all, it is always unsettling talking to someone who seems to be never sure of anything he/she says. You tend to wonder whether anything they are saying is true. 

Above all, the best thing about confidence in a conversation is the ability to say your own thoughts without the fear of going against those shared by your conversation partner. An independent opinion is always good for any conversation....BUT mind the delivery of the opinion...

RELATED: How to build self confidence

Diplomacy

Diplomacy is the ability to press the right buttons during a conversation. A great conversationalist is someone who can clearly lay across what he intends to say without insulting the other party.

Many conversations are soured by the inability to convey a message in a wise manner.  

Sometimes it is you may think of yourself as a poor conversationalist when in actual fact you are pretty good but your main problem being that you blatantly, ignorantly and constantly insult those you are in conversation with.

Take for example talking to someone who introduces herself as being from a certain town, X. You go on to say, "Oh, you are from X? I could tell by your tacky sense of fashion!"

The statement may have been intended to be a joke but the timing is off mark. The conversation is relatively fresh and so crude jokes are more insulting than they are funny.  

Good listener

As mentioned before, everyone loves attention. There is no better and easier way of giving attention than listening. Everyone wants their opinion or story to be heard. 

We are social beings, this is why whenever one encounters a problem or success they always look for someone to tell their story.

Sometimes you can actually appear to be a very good conversationalist merely by being a good listener!

Growing up I was an introvert and really did not open much about myself to most people. However, what surprised me was how many of my friends always came to me with their issues when I hardly shared mine with them. It  later dawned on me that most of the times I would just listen and discuss their own stories.

In the end, anyone from a distance would think that I was a great conversationalist yet I only listened and dissected other people’s stories, helping them solve their problems better.

Be constructive

Listening alone is not enough. If all you ever do is listen, you are bound to be boring and a good reason for everyone to avoid conversations with you. Learn to feed some gasoline into the conversation flame. 

One way of doing this is by making meaningful and constructive contributions to whatever you are listening to.

Also, never fear to be critical. Always aim to give your true view of the matter being discussed otherwise you become a mere doll that nods to everything laid on it. This will harm your conversation skills as no one will see any meaningful product from chatting with you.

Above all, always remember to be diplomatic with your opinions.

They are your opinions and should stay that way. Avoid asserting your beliefs as the only solution. No one appreciates being judged or interrogated when they intend on having a conversation.

Charisma

Charisma is not something that can be learnt by just reading a page of an article. It is an art that is nurtured by constant interactions with people. Charisma is the ‘it’ factor of conversations. It is the reason you just like to converse with someone but can’t pick out the exact reason why that person is just so irresistible.

The more you converse, the better you become at conversations. The transition from one topic to another becomes smoother and you start reading facial cues better. You even start reading body language better.

Know when to end a conversation/ read queues.

There is nothing as annoying as someone who just does not realize when to stop talking. Especially when the listener is no longer interested!
  

Failure to read conversation termination cues can lead to people avoiding you at all costs.

Below are some of the ways that can help you interpret conversation termination cues.

5 Ways to tell that someone is no longer interested in what you have to say:

• They are no longer paying as much attention to what you are saying as they were when you started the conversation with them.
• They are continuously distracted by what is happening in the environment around you whilst you are talking to them. Especially if there isn’t much that is interesting to see in the surrounding area.
• They are continuously glancing elsewhere. For example their wrist watches or cell phones but not engaged in any message alerts or incoming phone calls
• When they start contributing much less to the conversation than they were at the start.
• Fidgeting  

Leave a slice for next time..

A little trick I learnt about conversing is that people are drawn to you when they feel they have unfinished business.

This does NOT mean that you have to intentionally avoid speaking about pressing matters so that you can save them for the next time you two meet.

It simply means that within your conversation, you give subtle hints about other shared topics of interests between the two of you.

At one time I had to opportunity to share ideas about how we could best improve a quantitative laboratory analytical method with my supervisor. It was work talk but since the setting was not formal, I subtly made him aware of how I enjoy sports, especially soccer just through my analogy. 

The rest of the conversation remained work as usual but the next time I met him he had the widest grin I had ever seen on his face.

"My team destroyed yours!" He boasted.

Of course he was talking about soccer. Through our work conversation, I had opened up a door of shared interests, and now our conversations are even more grounded than just a superior-subordinate relationship. 

Be your natural self

Above all, it is important to be your natural self within a conversation. Instead of rehearsed conversations, just take note of the key aspects to talk about and then naturally build on those.

You may get away with a rehearsed conversation once or twice but once your trick is picked out you will sound more like a book than a person.

In conclusion...

Conversation skills do not improve in a day or two, they are built with time and are sharpened by continuous conversations with a lot of people.

The best way to improve conversational skills would be to just go out there and learn through experience.